I've Seen A Bigger Picture And I'm Looking For Some Answers.

Unlike the last time this blog post might not be so much happy go, or whatever. I have a million things running through my head so I figured I'd blog it up. All of a sudden I'm in this weird mood. It's like a combined select few moods all put together in one, messing with my mind or some sort of thing. It's confusing the crap out of me and I very much dislike it. Even as I type these sentences I'm zoning out and my mind is racing. Is there something wrong with me? No, I'm probably just imagining things and need to go to bed. You came back into my life and I thought that made me happier than ever. Today was like amazingish because of you. But when I think about it, you really hurt me. Hurt me worse than any other boy has before. Everyone is telling me talking to you is a bad idea again. They are probably right... but you're the only one I want. Thinking about all the stuff that you have said to me, done to me, apologized to me. Stuff shouldn't happen as much as it does with you. You've picked multiple girls over me, many different times and after they leave or you leave, you come back. Distance = nothing to me. I can handle it, but can you? We both have webcams/phones and can talk through those. I know it's not as good as being in person but it's also better than not seeing each other at all. I don't think you can and if you can.. PROVE IT to me, for once. Show me you want me over anyone else. I'm tired of being second choice, it sucks. I'm never anyones first pick. That's why I've stopped looking and I'm just waiting for a guy to come to me. You came back to me but you have done that many times, whose to say you won't leave me again. I'm not going to put up with it much longer just saying. So you should make the right choice this time.. I don't know what to do I'm just so confused ............. Boys are manwhores. I don't know if that will ever change. If you're reading this I'm talking about a boy I'm in love with (if it isn't obvious). No he doesn't live in Manassas, yes you read correctly up there. We webcam together and talk/text. So yeah. If you don't like it oh well. You can't control who you fall for, it's not possible. You can't control who you like, if you like someone tell them. I'm not dating him, so don't think I have a boyfriend. I've just fallen for him. Okay. Well that is all....

It's Hard To Know Where You're Going When You Don't Know Where To Start

Decisions..Choices..Decisions..Choices.. MORE decisions. Everything is like BAM BOOM BANG, hits you all at once. Hahah. I've been kind of busy/resting due to my back surgery, which went well. Now it will only take a few weeks to heal up and hopefully I'll be as good as new! :) I haven't really been online in the last week due to all that stufff. Surgery is not fun and I was super scared but it's over now and I'm really glad. I have a tonnn of school work to do, it's sucked being out for this amount of time D: I just hope to keep up with it all and try not to fail my Senior year that would be good. I think from here on out I've just decided to let everything go with the flow. Stop worrying about everything so much. I don't like anybody and I'm not going to try unless I see an interest back. I'm just going to let my back heal so then I can have all the fun I want again. Start exercising again, losing weight. Then have a super duper exciting summer! As of college, I've decided to go to NOVA :/ Not what I originally planned, but it's probably for the best at least for a year or two. Spring break is next week and I think were going to the beach for a few days, at least it's better than nothing. I want to go to California SO bad, but that won't happen for awhile.. but I'll try to make it happen as soon as possible. I'm excited for the next few months/events in my life should be fun ;D With that said.. HEY! YOU LOOK KINDA CUTE IN THAT POLKA DOT BIKINI GUUUURLLLL! Hahahahahaha. :D

WRECK.

I'm a wreck, I'm a mess. Life is just like aldjfalksdjf complicated and stupid. :l I often ask myself "why me?" I know there's A LOT more worse things in life that could be happening in mine. But I just wish I was like a normal 18 year old girl. No health issues, tons and tons of friends, had enough boyfriends, had your first kiss, actually went to a dance with a date. All that good stuff. Heck I probably won't even get to go to prom and def not have a date as it's looking as of right now. :/ Whatever. My family is a wreck too. Fights; lots of arguments. Drugs. My 28 year old brothers and 3 year old nephew lives with us. It's stressful. I have a bestfriend that lives A MILLION fricken miles away. And who knows if I will ever even meet him. It sucks. He's really the ONLY one I can be utterly and completly honest with. College SERIOUSLY, I'm about to give up and say eff it. It's so confusing. All the choices, life was so much easier being 5. Nothing to worry about. No boys to break your heart, No health problems, Everyone was your friend, Just about everything was perfect. I want that back now. I'm on homebound officially. Probably won't return back to school til the middle/end of April. It sucks. Nothing to do at home all time just results in me laying there thinking about stuff. I'm getting back surgery in a few weeks. But hopefully won't take long to recover and the pain will be gone. I can't wait to be "normal" again. I'm getting to know a new friend, and I'm kind of excited about it. I think we have the potential to be very good friends. I guess that's enough of me complaining about life. Sorry my blogs suck. WWW.FORMSPRING.ME/AMYLOLZ You should ask me stuff...

Take My Hand?

New Blog Post! Woo.. Not really hahha. So my back is doing a lot better, I go in for my MRI tomorrow. Fun stuff.. Umm today I discovered this band called The Cab. Love this song Take My Hand feat. Cassadee from Hey Monday. It's amazing. Listen to them and that song you'll love it. BOYS ARE CONFUSING. >: Gosh I hate it. I don't know, don't call me your boo, if you have a girlfriend and try to say your girlfriend isn't your boo. That's not allowed. I could forward the messages to her but I'm not going to do that and ruin your relationship. You'd probably make up a lie anyways, like you always do. I don't know why you are trying to be all good with me anyways. Nothing will ever be the same as it was. I've moved on and so have you. But there is one boy who isn't confusing and I love him to death. My best friend Nick, he lives in California though. Soooo lame. I want to spend real time with him, he is the perfect bestfriend. So Friday night I'm going to see Alice In Wonderland with my familyyy, we always have fun together. Then Saturday morning I'm going to the Art Institute Of Washington in Arlington to check it out, maybe I can go to college there. Since I got rejected from VCU. ): Oh well. Buuuh yeah the rest of my weekend is free, so if anybody wants to hang out or something let's do it! I'm ready to be out of this house, been stuck inside for nearly 2 weeks. My room looks like a tornado has hit in here, I should probably clean it up hahah. Sorry about switching the random topics. I'm just blabbing now that I've got the serious issues out of the way sort of. :/ I think I might like someone.. new. Since the last person I liked lived liked 40 minutes away that's not going to work and we don't even talk everyday anymore so.. yeah he probably doesn't like me anymore. I think that's about it for now. Ask me some funny/serious/gross/personal/whatever questions on my formspring. WWW.FORMSPRING.ME/AMYLOLZ hop to ittttttt(;

Homebound.

Yesterday (Sunday) I got out of the house. I went to the mall with Annie. It sucked though because my back was killing me. Annie said I looked like a Gorilla when I walked D: because I walk like half way bent down. We saw so many hott guys there it was crazy hahaha. Then we sat outside of the new Walmart and I hid behind bushes and a sign. It was so funny. There's pictures on my facebook if you want to see hahah. But anyways that's that.
To keep you updated. Today = day 5 at the doctors? I think. Who knows I lost count. Haha. I got that cortisone epideral injection in my back today. I was sooo scared. Just laying on the bed my whole body was shaking. Then the lady put the iv in my hand and took me to a different room. Where they put stuff in my iv that knocked me out, but I was still talking to the doctor apparently? I got a picture of the x-ray and needle to show. After I woke back up my whole left leg was numb because of the stuff they shot in the iv also. The numbness is almost completly gone now. And I don't think the shot worked :/ The pain is coming back slightly ugh sucks so bad. I have to get an MRI soon and I'm out of school for the rest of the week. Considering what the MRI says, if there is something wrong I might have to be homebound. Which means a teacher comes to your house and teaches you or whatever because of a medical problem/situation. This really sucks during my senior year. -__- I'm also feeling quite lonely today. Dunno, I want someone. Not someone that lives a million miles away. But someone here, that I can hold hands with, hang out with. You know all the cute stuff. It may be surprising to some of you but I've never had this and I want it soon. Just blaaah.

Inside Out You're Beautiful

These past few days have been HORRIBLE. And no this time not dealing with boys, family etc, etc. Stupid health problems AKA my back. There's something going on with my back and a trip to the hospital and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. Let's see, I'm going to explain from the very beginning about a year ago, I had this slight pain in my back but I thought it would go away. Guess what? It didn't. So as the time passed it got worse and my mom could tell there was something wrong because of the way I would walk and stand. So I went to the special back doctor last year in the summer sometime, he sent me to a physical therapist I did physical therapy for about 2 months. It worked slightly but the pain came back completly.. then I went to this Chiropracter place in November and they started working on my back with these machines and in mid January I was feeling wonderful, walking straight, losing weight. I could actually get out of the bed and go places and be comfortable. Well about 2 weeks ago I got a sinus/ear infection/cold. AND that stupid thing sent me right back to where I started. Full on pain worse than I've ever had it. Thursday I went to the ER because I couldn't stand the pain. They took blood, the lady didn't know what she was doing -___- I have this huge bruise on my arm now, I had to pee in a cup (never did that before in my life) that was so gross. lol. Also got x-rays and all my tests came back, and he said they looked good. So he just gave me some stronger medicine, after one night of the medicine.. nothing would make the pain go away slightly so I went back to the spine doctor. He gave me stuff and told me stuff to do for my back. And wanted me off the stronger meds; Well none of that stuff worked. The pain was so bad that night, I wanted to die. I've never felt a worse pain in my life and I would never want anyone to get this pain, but it happens. So They scheduled me in the next day for an emergency appointment to get a cortozon epideral injection.. when we got there they couldn't do it from the anticiotics I had been taking from my sinus/ear infection. So now I'm going back on Monday for that. Not looking forward to it :/ I'm rather scared. I hate needles and all that... And this injection is just to calm the pain down until I can get an MRI done and find out what's wrong with my back. I just wish it could hurry up and get fixed my back is ruining everything. I had to stop in November at trying to get my license because it hurt to drive; I can't walk proper; It's affecting my school work/absenses; I can't hang out with anyone or do anything and be comfortable. Everything just sucks right now hopefully they can find something after the MRI. I want my life back.

Sick :/

Another day in the life of Amy. So I wake up at 3AM this morning because I'm sick and then can't get back to sleep :/ Nothings getting better, I wish things were different. It's just the same crap everyday, it's hard to find someone that actually cares. I'm ready to give up on school and just about everything else.. Life's tough. How do you make these feelings go away? Is there something wrong with me or can I change this myself.. Idk. I guess I do need help... I don't really know what to write about today, just seems like I repeat myself day after day. I'm really sad and nobody can really change that or has seized to change that.. :/ Anyways www.formspring.me/amylolz Ask me stuff, I want to help other people and not worry about my own problems.

We Were Just Kids In Love.

I don't really know. I feel like I'm just sitting here. Halfway here and halfway not. All I did today was sleep, wake up. Made a big decision. Layed down and thought about it all. I've removed all our connections. Myspace, myyearbook, facebook. Deleted your number. Not something that I wanted to do, but after two times of you calling me a dumb bxtch and to get the fxck out of your life. I think it was time that I actually did get away. I hope I can keep myself away because I know you'll have no problem staying away from me. I don't really get this considering I've done nothing to you, ever but give you everything I had. I'm not going to talk about you anymore. It ends here. I feel like I'm in a cloud right now. We have just had 2 weeks of school off and I still want more. One more day wouldn't hurt. I don't want to go back. Since our parking lots are barely even clean they should give us another day. I think I'm going to blog everyday now, if I have stuff to talk about. I'm still lonely and just feels like noone wants me. On the plus side my back is so much better and I'm losing pounds by the week. I can't wait til summer, I'll be super different. Well that's all for now ask me questions? www.formspring.me/amylolz

Funny, Cute and Kissable.

Valentines Day.

Today would be the day of love. Pointless if you have noone to share it with. If you read my blogs which I haven't posted one in a super long time but you know I only post one when I'm upset or something. Today was just lame. Just basically thought about things, mainly people. Two in particular. Everyday I think of how much you hurt me, but even though you did.. everythings still there I still can't seem to get you out of my mind or the feelings gone? Even if someone you love hurts you, you forgive them STUPID? WHY? Because we forgive the people we love and we don't want them out of our lives... It takes me so much strength not talking to you everyday. This past month has been horrid. We went from talking hours a day to NOTHING. And nothing is where we are remaining for now, I guess. Now number two. You, I like you. But it's also pointless to like someone if they don't like you back, I'm not sure I'm at a crossroads with you. It's confusing. I'm so confused and feeling depressed all the time. I'm pretty sick of it. When will all this get better? I hate all the distance issues. I've been doing things in my life that I don't usually do, tried to see if it would help anything and got nothing out of it. I did nothing today, wish I had a valentine, but I haven't for 18 years and I'm still alive so maybe next year...